What to Do If You Do Not Get Along With Your In-Laws

By Olivia Chen · April 8, 2026

What to Do If You Do Not Get Along With Your In-Laws

Few wedding planning topics feel as tender—and as common—as this one: you’re excited to marry your person, but you don’t exactly click with their parents (or siblings). Maybe conversations turn tense, boundaries feel blurry, or you leave family gatherings feeling judged. When you’re engaged, those little frictions can suddenly feel huge because weddings naturally put families in close contact.

The good news is that you don’t need perfect harmony with your in-laws to have a joyful wedding and a strong marriage. You do need a plan. A little modern etiquette, some clear boundaries, and a united approach with your partner can keep the relationship respectful—even if it never becomes warm and fuzzy.

Quick Answer: What should you do if you don’t get along with your in-laws?

Prioritize your partnership, set respectful boundaries early, and use structured communication (including a “point person” system and clear roles) to reduce conflict during wedding planning. Aim for civil and consistent—not perfect. If tensions are impacting your mental health or relationship, bring in help from a premarital counselor or mediator before the wedding.

Q: Is it normal to have in-law conflict during engagement?

Yes. Engagement is a pressure-cooker phase: money decisions, guest list limits, cultural or religious expectations, and “family traditions” can bring out strong opinions. Even couples who normally get along with their families can feel strained when planning a wedding.

“Weddings are a magnifying glass,” says Maya Chen, a fictional wedding planner with 12 years of experience. “A small mismatch in communication becomes a big one when you’re choosing a venue, negotiating who gets invited, and deciding who’s paying for what.”

Q: What’s the real goal—becoming close, or just keeping the peace?

For many couples, the healthiest goal is mutual respect and predictable behavior, not instant closeness. You can’t force a warm relationship. You can create a workable one.

Think of it as setting “relationship standards” rather than trying to win approval. Standards might include:

No insults or sarcasm (in person, in texts, or online)
No surprise guest list additions
No using money as leverage
No triangulating—messages go directly to the right person

Q: How do we handle in-laws who criticize our wedding choices?

Criticism often shows up around modern wedding trends—non-traditional venues, smaller guest lists, weekday weddings, child-free receptions, private vows, non-matching wedding parties, or skipping certain traditions entirely. If your in-laws have a more traditional view, it can feel like they’re critiquing your values, not just your color palette.

Try a three-step response:

Validate the feeling (not the demand): “I hear that this feels different from what you pictured.”
State the decision clearly: “We’re keeping the ceremony small.”
Offer a bounded option: “We’d love your help choosing readings,” or “You can host a brunch the next day if you’d like.”

A real-world style example (fictional but familiar):

“My future mother-in-law hated our idea of a 40-person micro-wedding,” says Janelle, a recent bride. “We stopped debating and started repeating the same line: ‘We’re keeping it intimate, and we can’t wait to celebrate with you.’ After the third time, she realized it wasn’t a negotiation.”

Q: Should my partner be the one to talk to their parents?

Most of the time, yes. A helpful modern etiquette guideline is: each person manages their own family, especially for conflict, sensitive boundaries, and money. This prevents you from being cast as the “villain” and keeps your partner from staying passive.

That said, there are moments when showing unity helps. If there’s a major boundary—like disrespectful comments, pressure to invite certain guests, or demands tied to financial contributions—consider having a short, calm conversation together so it’s clear you’re aligned.

“The biggest mistake I see is one partner trying to ‘keep the peace’ by letting their parents override the couple,” says fictional premarital counselor Dr. Luis Ramirez. “The wedding is a rehearsal for marriage. Start practicing now: united decisions, respectful delivery.”

Q: What if they’re paying for part of the wedding?

Money can complicate everything. Traditional etiquette sometimes assumes that whoever pays gets more input, but modern weddings often work differently—couples pay themselves, families contribute, or costs are split in creative ways.

Use this rule: contributions should come with defined input, not open-ended control.

Try saying:

“We’re so grateful for your gift. To keep planning smooth, can we agree on what decisions you’d like to weigh in on?”
“We can accept help with the rehearsal dinner, and you can plan that event within this budget and these guest parameters.”

If a contribution comes with strings you can’t accept, it is completely acceptable to decline it. It may sting in the moment, but it protects your sanity and your relationship.

Q: What if my in-laws disrespect me or cross serious boundaries?

Not all conflict is “personality differences.” If there’s repeated disrespect—racist remarks, body-shaming, undermining your relationship, constant guilt trips, or violating privacy—treat it as a boundary issue, not a wedding planning issue.

Actionable steps:

Name the behavior: “That comment isn’t okay.”
State the boundary: “If it happens again, we’ll end the visit.”
Follow through: leave, end the call, or pause texts for a set time.

For engagement events (showers, rehearsal dinner, welcome party), consider appointing a trusted “buffer”—a sibling, wedding planner, or friend—who can redirect conversations, handle awkward logistics, and keep drama away from you.

Q: How do we handle wedding planning when we don’t get along?

When in-law relationships are strained, structure is your best friend. Here are practical systems that work:

Create a decision list: write down what’s non-negotiable (guest count, budget cap, ceremony style) and what’s flexible (flowers, favors, minor decor).
Use one channel for updates: a monthly email, a shared planning site, or a single group text—limit the constant drip of commentary.
Assign roles: “You’re in charge of family photo list,” or “Can you research hotel blocks?” People behave better when they have a clear lane.
Set time boundaries: “We can talk wedding for 20 minutes, then we’re changing the subject.”
Lean into current trends that reduce friction: smaller guest lists, private ceremonies, separate receptions, or a low-pressure welcome party can limit exposure time and conflict triggers.

“For one couple, we did a private first look and vows, then a family-forward ceremony,” says planner Maya Chen. “It reduced everyone’s nerves and stopped the family dynamic from hijacking the most intimate moment.”

Traditional vs. modern approaches: which should you use?

Traditional approach: Families expect a larger role in planning, the guest list skews bigger, and there may be firm opinions about etiquette (who hosts, who gets invited, how things ‘should’ look). This can work well if everyone is respectful and aligned on expectations.

Modern approach: The couple leads the decisions, boundaries are explicit, and events may be smaller or nontraditional (micro-wedding, destination wedding, restaurant reception). This often reduces conflict because there are fewer “committee decisions.”

Many couples land in the middle: they honor a few traditions to show care—like including a family recipe at the rehearsal dinner—while keeping core choices (budget, guest count, ceremony format) firmly theirs.

Q: What are common edge cases couples worry about?

What if my in-laws try to add guests?

Use a consistent line: “We’re at capacity.” If you want to be extra clear, add: “Any additions would mean removing someone else, and we’re not doing that.” Avoid debating who “deserves” an invite.

What if my partner won’t set boundaries?

This is less an in-law problem and more a couple problem. Consider premarital counseling before deposits and invitations go out. You’re not seeking therapy because you’re failing—you’re building a shared toolkit before the wedding stress peaks.

What if the conflict is cultural or religious?

Look for “both/and” solutions: a short tea ceremony plus a modern reception, a bilingual program, or two officiants. If the disagreement is about values (not logistics), a neutral mediator—clergy member, counselor, or respected elder—can help.

What if I’m worried they’ll cause a scene on the wedding day?

Have a plan: seat them thoughtfully, limit microphone access, assign a calm relative to intervene, and let your planner or coordinator act as gatekeeper. Many couples also keep the getting-ready space private to reduce opportunities for conflict.

Conclusion: You can have a beautiful wedding—even with complicated in-laws

Not getting along with your in-laws doesn’t mean your engagement is doomed or your wedding will be tense. Focus on what you can control: your boundaries, your communication, and your partnership. Aim for respectful, predictable interactions—and design your wedding plans to support that. With clear roles, calm scripts, and a united front, you can protect your peace and still honor the family relationships that matter.